Calvin and Hobbes and the G.R.O.S.S War
by Dannor
Summary: Calvin finds Susie has made a club against his. He makes a bold plan, which involves a cell phone, and, as usual, water balloons. Please read, it's my first fic!
1. The Plan

Calvin and Hobbes and the G.R.O.S.S War  
  
Part One: The Plan  
  
A/N I do not own Calvin and Hobbes. I am just a fan.  
  
One summer day, Calvin walked up to his best friend, Hobbes, who was in the middle of a nap. "Guess what, Hobbes!" Calvin said, waking the tiger.  
"You've decided to let your life end now, because you woke me up from my nap?" Hobbes said irritably, his eyes half closed.  
"No. If I wanted to do that, I would drop the kiddie pool on you," Calvin retorted. "Now, if you want to stand around making smart remarkes, I won't be able to tell you what I just found out!"  
"What," Hobbes grumbled, expecting to hear something like, 'I found a big centipede and it's crawling on your head!'  
"Susie has started a club to counter-act our G.R.O.S.S efforts!" Calvin said, happily.  
"Really? That's great! Now I won't have to feel guilty about bombarding her with water balloons!" Hobbes said, getting up.  
"C'mon!" Calvin called to Hobbes, "Let's go get Susie!"  
Out in Calvin's back yard tree house, Calvin was walking around with a regal-like heir about him.   
"Gentelmen," Calvin called to the only other person present, "today, Susie Derkins, a girl, has started a club against our efforts! Today, thanks to Top Scout Calvin, we learned of the club's name. Scout?"   
"Mr. President," Calvin said still, taking off his paper hat and replacing it with a set of miniature binoculars, "after some bold spying, I found out the title of our new enemy! V.I.L.E! Vanquish Ignorant maLe Efforts! First of all," Calvin continued, putting his paper hat back on, "we should attack the vile members of V.I.L.E. for several reasons. Number one... Secretary, are you taking this down?"   
"Yes, sir, I've been recording everything that's happening!" Hobbes said, pointing to a notebook with some badly misspelled words on it.  
"Okay. Number one!" Calvin said, "Susie should have water balloons thrown at her for making a mockery of our club name! We had G.R.O.S.S first, and now, look what she's done! V.I.L.E! It doesn't make sense! Men aren't ignorant!" At this, Hobbes rolled his eyes, getting a dirty glance from Calvin. "Number two, Susie is a girl, our club's mortal enemy! We should strike hard and fast! I have a big big plan for us! And here it is!" Calvin took out a piece of paper that made no sense whatsoever. "As you see, gentelmen, our first move is to go inside and call Susie's house. Then, while President and First Tiger is on the phone with Susie, I shall go sneek over to her house and throw a water balloon at her!"  
"Wait a minute!" Hobbes said, pointing to parts of Calvin's 'plan.' "This doesn't work! How will you throw a water balloon at Susie while she's inside?"  
"Erm... I'll.... uh.... you'll tell her to step out of her house for a minute!" Calvin replied, looking quiet proud of himself.  
"And just how do you propose I'll know when you're at her house?" Hobbes glared at Calvin.  
"Why, it's simple! You'll follow me!" Once again, Calvin looked proud of himself.  
"And how am I going to call Susie's house if I follow you?"  
"We'll take Dad's cell phone!" Calvin retorted, trying to end the arguement.  
"Your dad is at work, Calvin," Hobbes said, once again, pointing out the faults of Calvin's plan.  
"What about Mom's cell phone?" Calvin said standing up and heading toward his house.  
"And how do you think we'll get it?" Hobbes said, having no choice but to follow him.  
"Just watch my plan!" Calvin grinned evily.  
That look always gave Hobbes an uneasy feeling.  
Back inside Calvin's house, Calvin walked up to his mother. "Hey, Mom, can I borrow your cell phone?"  
Calvin's mom sighed, and said, "Calvin, what do you need to use my cell phone for?"  
"Um... I need to... uh... call somebody!" Calvin grinned, a note of hope in his voice.  
"Can't you use the phone in the house?" His mom said, rolling her eyes.  
"Um... calling on your cell phone is a whole lot more fun! So can I, Mom? Please???"  
"Calvin, you can't use my cell phone! Now, let me be! I have lots of work to do!" Calvin's mom said, indicating that she was through arguing. Calvin, however, wouldn't take a hint.  
"But.... can I just look at your cell phone?" he said, running after her.  
Calvin's mom rolled her eyes once again, and said, "Alright, alright! You can look at my cell phone. If you call anybody, you'll be grounded for a month!"   
"Alright!" Calvin cried out, grabbing the cell phone.   
"Just get it back to me in twenty minutes!" she called out to him.  
Back in his tree house, Calvin showed Hobbes the cell phone. "Can you believe I actually got it?!?"   
"Well, now what's part two of the 'plan?'" Hobbes said monotonously, showing no interest whatsoever.  
"Okay. We have the cell phone. Now, we sneek down to Susie's yard, and I'll call her."  
"Why can't I call her?" Hobbes said angrily.  
"Because, you'd probably tell her I'm out there and ruin the whole thing. But you do get to throw the water balloon!" Calvin said, handing Hobbes a pre-filled red water balloon.  
"After we do that, we demand that she stop V.I.L.E. and run like crazy back here!" Calvin said.  
"Oh, sound's like a great plan!" Hobbes said sarcastically.  
"Good! I'm glad you thought so! Now, c'mon!" Calvin said, climbming out of the tree house already. 


	2. Failure

Part Two: Failure  
  
Hobbes had no choice but to follow Calvin. After climbing down the rope ladder, Hobbes, the taller one of the two, tossed it up back into the tree house.  
"Good idea, Hobbes!" Calvin whispered. "Now Susie won't be able to get into our headquarters!"  
Calvin practically tip-toed all of the way to the woods, which was a way to get to Susie's house 'hidden.'  
"Hobbes!" Calvin hissed at Hobbes, who had just stepped on a branch. "If V.I.L.E. had spies out in the woods, we'd be sure to get noticed now!"  
Hobbes rolled his eyes. "Calvin," he said, "Susie doesn't have spies in the woods!"  
"And just how do you know?" Calvin asked.  
"Well, we would see them, wouldn't we?" Hobbes glared at Calvin.  
"Um... yeah... I guess we would...." Calvin said, slightly embarressed that a person who was lower in the club thought of this before he did.  
"Good! Now are we going to stand here arguing? There are tons of mosquitoes in the woods at this time of year!" Hobbes said, rubbing his arm which had several mosquito bites on it.  
"You're right! Let's run!" Calvin said, as several mosquitos flew at him.  
"AHHH! MOSQUITOS EVERYWHERE! RUN HOBBES, RUN!" Calvin yelled loudly.  
"Well, look who's being loud no- woah!" Hobbes tripped over a fallen tree branch, crushing the water balloon, popped in his face and splattered Calvin all over.  
"Oh great!" Calvin yelled as he ran. "I filled those water balloons with black paint!"   
Hobbes looked down at his chest. Sure enough, there was some black paint splattered on it.  
Hobbes started to chase Calvin through the woods, but Calvin soon tripped in a hole, and his mom's cell phone fell out of his grasp, hit a boulder, and shattered.  
"Oh man!" Calvin exclaimed as he saw the cell phone hit the rock. "Mom's gonna kill us!"  
"Who is this 'us' Calvin? You were the one who dropped the cell phone!" Hobbes yelled at Calvin.  
"ME? You were the one chasing me!" Calvin screamed.  
"Only because you filled the water balloon with black paint!"   
The argument kept on going.   
About fifty yards away, Susie Derkins was playing outside. She heard one voice that sounded as if it was arguing to someone.  
"The plan wasn't a failure! Oh no it wasn't! Hey, fuzz brain, be quiet! It's not my fault that you tripped! WHAT? Take this, chowder head!"  
It's Calvin, Susie thought. After listening closer, she heard that he was coming to throw a water balloon at her and that she had started a club. V.I.L.E. it was called. Where Calvin was getting this information was a mystery to her. All she knew was she didn't start a club named V.I.L.E, whatever that meant.   
Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes were having another one of their verbal fights.  
"MORON!" Calvin shouted.  
"SHORTY!" Hobbes shouted back.  
"IGNORANT FLEA HEAD!" Calvin yelled.  
"Wait! Let's stop this and go home and read comics!" Hobbes suggested.  
"I'm not through yet!" Calvin said. "One more insult: STRIPED FUZZBAG!"  
After their bout of insults, Susie decided to never, ever do anything with Calvin ever again.  
When the got back to the house, Calvin surveyed himself, Hobbes, and the cell phone. "Oh great! Mom's gonna kill us! We have paint all over ourselves, and her cell phone is broken! On top of that, I got a hole in my pants!"  
"Well," Hobbes said, "I guess the best thing to do is to tell her what we did. Maybe we won't get in too much trouble!"  
"Yeah," Calvin added, "and maybe Dad will actually become 'cool.'"  
Calvin and Hobbes snuck inside. They were almost up the stairs when Calvin's mom called out. "Calvin! I hear you in the house! Can I have my cell phone back?"  
"Oh no!" Calvin cried out, "Mom's gonna kill us when she finds out what happened!"  
"This reminds me of the time with your Dad's binoculars and when we pushed the car out of the driveway..." Hobbes said, a slight grin on his face.  
"OH NO! HERE SHE COMES!" Calvin cried out under his breath.  
"Calvin, can I have my- WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED TO YOU?" his mom yelled.  
"Um... I fell in a tar pit?" Calvin guessed.  
"Nice try. Go upstaris and take a bath. I'll wash Hobbes and your clothes. But first, give me my cell phone!" she demanded.  
"Um... that's the other thing... uh.... the cell phone was... um... HOBBES DROPPED YOUR CELL PHONE ON A BOULDER ON PURPOSE!" he cried, pointing to Hobbes.  
"YOU DROPPED MY CELL PHONE ON A BOULDER? CALVIN, AFTER YOUR BATH, WE'RE HAVING A TALK ABOUT RESPECT AND RESPONSIBILITY! NOW, UPSTAIRS!"  
Later, after his bath, Calvin confessed to Hobbes. "Susie didn't really make up V.I.L.E... I was just bored so I made it all up....."  
"Right. Oh, and Calvin?" Hobbes asked.  
"Remind me to never, ever listen to you again!"   
THE END 


End file.
